Lawyer (Attorney) Jokes

The "Frank and Ernest" strip by Bob Thaves is probably the most consistently funny cartoon strip in newspapers. See the Web pages at http://www.frankandernest.com

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In 1994, New Mexico Circuit Judge (a state court judge) Woody Smith was speaking to a group known as Liberty Forum. His topic was "Consensual Crimes," known often as "victimless crimes," and something Judge Smith thought, as does Walker Chandler, ought to be abolished.

Judge Smith also told the crowd he hoped the terms "lawyer" and "attorney" could be refurbished, and made words of pride again.

Then he closed his address by asking, "Do you know how many lawyer jokes there are?"

Of course, he got such answers as "A lot!" and "Hundreds" and "Thousands" and even "Millions!" But he negated them all and said, "No, no, there are seven." He paused, and added into the stunned silence, "All the rest are true stories."

Following are several alleged lawyer jokes. You determine which are true. But enjoy.

Robin Morgan told Reader's Digest: A colleague at our law firm had an important early meeting scheduled, so he asked his wife to wake him at 6 a.m. She didn't look forward to this, since her husband is notoriously difficult to awaken. Sure enough, the next morning, she tried in vain to get him out of bed.

Worried that she'd be blamed, she took a legal form from his file. She woke him up enough for him to sign a hold-harmless agreement. Then he promptly went back to sleep.

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Allegedly from actual court records: A defendant said to the judge, "You know, I hate coming out here at seven in the morning and having to sit downstairs with a bunch of criminals.

The judge responded, "I have to do the same thing every day."

Defendant: "Yeah, but you don't have to sit down in a holding tank with 'em."

Judge: "Every day I come in and I meet the dregs of society, and then I have to meet their clients. Think of that."

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A lawyer's secretary took a phone call from a young man who claimed he was of course innocent of all charges, but he needed an attorney to help defend him in court. The secretary set up a day and time, then asked for particulars, such as name and address. He told her his name, then she waited for the address, to which he gave only the name of an apartment building. So she asked, "Do you have a street name?" He answered, "Well, most of my homies call me Chicken Neck."

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"Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer." --Montesquieu

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A lawyer was sitting at his desk, watching his curvaceous young secretary in the front office as she, wearing a skin-tight knit dress, bent down to put some files into the bottom drawer of the cabinet. Lascivious thoughts entered his mind: "Man, I'd give anything to be able to ..."

A puff of smoke and, Lo!, who should appear but Old Nick himself.

"You called?" he leered.

The lawyer looked at him.

Satan continued: "Would you like the use of that lovely morsel in your front office?"

"What's the catch?" the lawyer asked.

"Would you like the use of her, and perhaps any other lovely young thing your heart -- or whatever -- desired?"

"What's the catch?"

"Would you like the use of her and other women, and would you like power, fame, money?"

"What's the catch?"

"All you have to do," said the devil, "is sign over to me your soul."

"What's the catch?"

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Judge: "Have you anything to offer this court before I pass sentence?"

Defendant: "No, your honor. My lawyer took every last cent I had."

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What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

Frequent-flier miles.

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A man was sent to Hell for his misdeeds and, as he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he sees a lawyer making passionate love to a gorgeous woman. "How unfair," says the man, "I have to burn for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." To which the devil snarled, "Who are you to question the woman's punishment?"

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A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi, and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional. The doctor said "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman?"

"No," said the rabbi. "It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world."

"Wait," said the engineer "The world was created in 6 days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an organized civilized place from utter chaos?"

"And WHO created the chaos?" asked the lawyer.

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